Bold, Balance, and Healing with Dr. Toni Warner. The transcript below is from 🌺 Aloha Friday Live! 🤙🏼🍍🌈🍧, where Enrique's guest Dr. Toni Warner Phd talks about leadership, mentorship, being bold and balanced, and healing. She emphasizes the importance of knowing oneself and accepting oneself, and how that can lead to fulfillment and success in life. She also provides resources for those who want to continue learning and growing. The host and guest discuss the dynamics of leadership and how it can create a peaceful environment. The show ends with an invitation to tune in next week for another guest.
"We live in a world where success is often defined by what we can quantitatively measure, tangibly, touch and understand. And when we talk about something like healing, it's in the unseen, it's in the felt, it's in the experiential, it's in the relational, it's more qualitative." - Dr. Toni Warner
Learning Objectives:
The learning objectives of this episode include understanding the importance of self-awareness and self-acceptance in leadership, recognizing the ongoing process of healing and its connection to leadership, and the need for intentionality in engaging in activities that uplift rather than drain. Additionally, the transcript covers the importance of discernment and self-trust in decision-making, especially for teens.
Discussion Points
- The importance of self-awareness and self-acceptance in leadership
- The ongoing process of healing and its connection to leadership
- The need for intentionality in engaging in activities that uplift rather than drain
- The importance of discernment and self-trust in decision-making, especially for teens
Guest BIO: Mom of 4, psychotherapist, mentor, author, speaker, wife and multi-business owner who values highly impactful yet practical strategies that infuse science, psychology and soul, to inspire her audience and powerfully support her clients. You’ll find Dr. Toni enjoying family dance parties, chocolate, homemade latte’s and walks in her free time. Earned her Masters in Education, Masters in Clinical Social Work and PhD in Human Sexuality from Widener University.
She's founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, a private practice in PA specializing in anxiety, bipolar and trauma support. Founder of Bold and Balanced Coaching, where she teaches parenting professionals how to effectively reduce stress and elevate success for more ease and satisfaction at work and home. Find her best selling book, The Reset, A High Achievers Guide to Freedom and Fulfillment on Amazon.(Read more)
Full Video
Show Transcript - Bold, Balance, and Healing with Dr. Toni Warner
All right. Alright, aloha Friday, everybody. Thank you for joining us today. If you're joining us from LinkedIn, give us a shout. We are streaming live on Facebook, YouTube, ParadeDeck.com, and we're just happy to have you with us today as my guest, Dr. Toni.
(02:12)
Toni is in the house all the way from up north and she is going to be talking about leadership, mentorship, being bold and balanced. Toni, thank you for being with me today on Aloha Friday Live. I am very excited to be here.
(02:29)
I know we had planned on doing this about six months ago and I went into labor. So now here I am, not in labor anymore and glad to hang out with you. Outstanding. Well, we're happy to have been able to do this.
(02:44)
Congratulations on your baby. I know the family is ecstatic to have the new member, but before we get into the show and all the things we'll cover, tell us a little bit about you for the audience. Yeah, so my fourth baby is who I had almost six months ago.
TOPIC: Bold, Balance, and Healing
(03:01)
So I have four kiddos right now, almost six months. Five years old, ten years old and 13 going on 23. But I wouldn't have it any other way. And I am a psychotherapist in the state of Pennsylvania. I have been a psychotherapist for almost 15 years now.
(03:17)
I do a lot of work around trauma, anxiety, things of that nature, bipolar and really helping people to heal and navigate those symptoms in a way that's healthy and helpful for them. And then I also run a second business where we talk about being bold and balance.
(03:34)
Right. We're really talking about micro and macro level, being able to embrace ourselves and all the multifacets of us in a way that works. In a balanced way that's not cookie cutter, that's not juggling all the balls in the air, but in a balanced way that actually works.
(03:50)
That requires healing, that requires being bold. But I think that's what we need in this world in order to move forward together. I totally agree. And I just want to take this moment to thank Shelley, Dr.
(04:00)
Michelle, for being with us and all the members. Chiman thank you for joining us from Winnipeg and all those sometimes on LinkedIn, it will say or StreamYard it'll say LinkedIn user. So if I don't mention you, please don't mind, but thank you for being with us today.
(04:18)
Now, healing, and I know a little bit of your story after I dug in into your background and things like that. Healing is so critical for leadership, just focusing on that one thing. But for us specifically, healing is so critical for you to move forward.
(04:40)
Now, you had an upbringing in the church, there was some dynamics there and as a minister I was reading that my heart goes out to the pastor's children's that has to face these things that may come up.
(04:58)
But healing does go back many a years for all of us. Every one of us has had one instance where what I say, that purity, that purity that pureness of us got contaminated somehow with someone's actions, someone's environment, right?
(05:22)
And that's so hard to come out of leaders. I see a lot of things that happening in their leadership. I guess activities that scream and yell. It does yell, I was hurt and so now I'm going to hurt and so how.
(05:47)
How have you seen that evolve both in your personal life but how you deal with clients and adults now that must deal with that stuff? Healing is a big topic, isn't it? And I think part of the struggle with it is that it's not a one and done type of thing.
(06:07)
We live in a world where success is often defined by what we can quantitatively measure, tangibly, touch and understand. And when we talk about something like healing, it's in the unseen, it's in the felt, it's in the experiential, it's in the relational, it's more qualitative.
(06:31)
And so it can be harder to define, harder to wrap our heads around, harder to understand. And a lot of leaders who push themselves hard and oftentimes mean well, they don't realize that the hurt is even there.
(06:48)
They don't realize that it's been compounding itself in the background because it's not this tangible thing, it's not this solid quantitative thing that they can really look at and understand. And so if I can't look at it, if I can't understand it and I can't do anything about it, I'm just going to keep on keeping on.
Bold, Balance, and Healing with Dr. Toni Warner
(07:07)
If I'm a leader and I got stuff to do and I got goals to hit and I got people to lead and I've got a team to run and I've got a family to and there's always a to do, isn't there? Yes, there's always a to do because leaders aren't just CEOs or business owners.
Bold, Balance, and Healing
(07:23)
Leaders are mothers and fathers. You are in your family, you are a leader in your life, right? So we're all leaders in our own right, in our own way. And if we don't realize that there is hurt that's happening, then how are we even going to begin healing it?
Bold, Balance, and Healing
(07:42)
And so I think that's one of the biggest things is there's just. Sense that I don't even know what's really going on or listen, I don't have time for that. I don't have time for that. I got a busy life, right?
(07:55)
So even if I have a sense that maybe something's going on that needs to be healed or worked through, like, I don't have time for that. We're busy, right? And we do live in a very chronically busy, chronically stressed out nation and so that's something that's common as well.
Topic: Bold, Balance, and Healing
(08:12)
Lots of factors here, but I think those are some really good ones to start with, for us to be aware of and us to just begin to say like, if there's not that awareness, how can we really begin to heal?
Bold, Balance, and Healing
(08:21)
Healing has to be intentional in order for it to have that sustainable impact, that lasting shift that makes waves and ripples and differences. Right? I see some comments coming in. Yeah. And this one specifically says dealing with that with our daughter, she is healing, thankfully doing very well and we're definitely happy to hear about that.
(08:49)
I love how you put there is a sense of awareness in terms of the different leadership positions that we occupy on a day to day. When I wake up, I'm the leader of me, right? Before I get to talk to my wife or my children, I'm the leader of me.
(09:12)
And so that's one hat and then my wife wakes up and then now I'm the husband and then it starts to compound from there. And every leadership stage in my life requires attention and that's just me. I imagine others, right?
(09:32)
So a mother, it's not like a father, don't ever confuse them and they'll let you know. But that dynamic is different. Right? So I get up. My wife would tell me, she's like, Yo, bro, you coming out the bathroom anytime soon?
(09:51)
Because I'm just, like, taking my time. By the time I get out, she's done like 50 things. No wonder she's like, what's going on, bro? I'm like I'm retired. But there's so many elements and so many levels of a person, and if you skip any one of those and you skip to give it the attention required.
(10:17)
Now, a lot of people say, hey, Enrique, the leadership show. You got the doctor. That's right. We need a doctor. We need a doctor sometimes. And if, as a leader, you can't get to that point where you realize you need help, you're already going down a slippery slope.
(10:37)
I love the comments that are coming into, like, being busy doesn't mean that you're productive either. So true. But again, it's awareness. If you feel like you're busy, you feel like you're doing something, you feel like you're doing something, right?
(10:48)
Even if it's really spinning your wheels. I'll say. I have always known since as far back as I can remember, ever since my childhood, I wanted to be two things. I wanted to be a mom, and I wanted to be some kind of professional helper.
(11:01)
That's always been the case, right? That is what I did. That is what I moved towards, and that is what I have become. But in that it is so easy to get so focused on the goal and getting things done that if we are pushing ourselves and hitting those goals.
(11:22)
By the time I was 30, I had had my third child, owned my home, owned my car, earned my doctorate, had two master's degrees, had been in my clinical license there for several years, and practiced it. Right.
(11:33)
Like, by all means, I was, quote unquote, successful. But you know what? I wasn't feeling fulfilled. I wasn't feeling fulfilled. That's actually what birthed my book, The Reset a High Achievers Guide to Freedom and Fulfillment, was that I had hit all of the markers, and I wasn't feeling fulfilled.
(11:51)
And so there's something that happens in our lives that says, hey, you're doing things, but you're not really being in this purposeful way. You're not really enjoying your life. Pay attention. Something will happen.
(12:07)
Something will call to you, and if you don't listen, it will get louder, and it will get louder, and it will get louder. And oftentimes that's connected to that hurt. That's connected to that lack of healing.
(12:16)
I knew I was going to be a therapist, but you know what? I resisted seeing a therapist. I really did, because I was of the thought that I can handle it myself. Always had. I've always only been able to rely on myself.
(12:30)
Super independent, right? What's the irony of that? I knew I was going to become a therapist, and yet I was not willing to see a therapist because they're not going to get me. They're not going to be able to help me.
(12:41)
So I know what it's like to be on both of those ends, to be a leader and have these clear goals and want to move towards it and work towards it, but then also kind of have a chip on your shoulder of like, no one else gets it.
(12:52)
I'm alone in this. I have to do it on my own. That is connected to hurt. And it might not look like that at the surface level, might just look like pride or whatever, but it is connected to hurt. And I had to begin to notice that it was connected to hurt in order for me to be willing to start to move through that healing process.
(13:12)
And that healing process never ends. I'm always learning. I'm always growing, and I'm always able to heal in a different way, deeper and deeper and deeper. And every time I do, I get experience more joy, more clarity, more satisfaction in my life.
(13:25)
I feel more fulfilled now, even though I'm not working towards a ton of goals like I did the first few decades of my life, and yet I'm feeling more fulfilled and still having an impact. It's amazing.
(13:40)
I and I love that. As you was finishing that, I had a chuckle because it's just amazing how we perceive. And the question was posed, and I think you hit this early. Do you believe healing is an ongoing process?
(13:57)
And you did mention that, hey, this is a forever thing. As long as we are human, there's going to be some healing, right? It's going to be a journey. Like Shelley says, this is a lifelong process, and it took maybe a moment to damage us, but now we got to live with this, right?
(14:18)
So now we got to figure out how these particular events in our lives or these things that come up that are causing pain, how we're going to specifically address those, and then how are we going to get to the point where we're no longer subject to the pain?
(14:41)
Because there are some things that we call overcoming, right? We overcome these little items in our lives which become big. So I say little just to say that there are many, but at one point, it just seems like overwhelming.
(15:02)
But how we get through those is the piece where overcoming comes. Hey, it becomes a book, the reset, right? It becomes a book because all the activities in the world are just there to drown the noise.
(15:19)
Yeah, that's that's what we try to do when we when we just flood our lives with activity, it's to drown the noise. And guess what? Sometimes the equipment you have around your ears just doesn't it doesn't do the job.
(15:37)
And I think that. There's a piece here that is easy to forget. And it sounds simple, but we need to know why we're doing what we're doing. So if you're engaging in an activity because you need to prove yourself, or because you have to make those goals, you have to hit those milestones.
(16:00)
Because that's the only way that you're going to feel better, is if you do that, and do that and do that and do that, then the reason that you are doing it, it's going to exhaust you. You're going to need a ton of motivation to push and push and push.
(16:13)
You're going to come back and get more motivation and push, and push and push. But if the reason you're engaging in an activity is because it lights you up, it's because it sparks joy in your heart. It's because you're so passionate.
(16:25)
This activity I'm doing with you today, Enrique, I'm not doing this just because I'm doing this because these conversations spark my heart. I'm passionate about it. It feels connected to my purpose. This is a meaningful activity.
(16:41)
This is a life giving rather than an energy draining activity for me. Now, it could be different for someone else speaking to someone else, right? But we need to be aware of that. You could be engaging in something for reasons that are energy draining, or you could be engaging in something for reasons that are uplifting, that are life giving.
(17:02)
But if we're not slowing down enough to be intentional about why we're engaging in something, we're too busy to really take our time and ask ourselves that question, then we stay in that cycle. Like people call it the rat race or on the hamster wheel.
(17:19)
We stay in it, right? And as we stay in it, we are avoiding dealing with the hurt. And I'll say also, Enrique, that, yes, there are some people that have been hurt. There's like one major circumstance, and it's easy to identify, but often I see folks that were hurt in these.
(17:39)
Cumulative experiences. And so they brush it off like, oh, but that's just life. That's just life. That's not hurt, that's not trauma. If it has stuck in your system, unable to be processed and still affects your functioning in the background, it was trauma.
(18:01)
And there's healing that can be happening for you in order to help you move through it and not just move through it, but grow stronger as a result of it. I was listening to a Maya Angelo conversation on YouTube, I think just this morning, and she said something like after she spoke the words of her rapist when she was a child and that person was later murdered, she felt responsible for that, right?
(18:23)
But then years later, after muting herself and not talking, she discovered reading in this really deep way and basically read the whole library in her neighborhood. And when she finally decided to speak, she had so much to say and she said, I want to share this because I want it to show that there is proof that good can come from evil, right?
(18:48)
So we can move through and process, even though it's uncomfortable and really painful, we can move through and process the trauma, the hurt, and that is definitely a journey. But as we do that, we also are equipping ourselves in this new, deeper, different way that is strengthening, building us up to be another level, another layer, another enhanced version of ourselves that allows us to contribute and connect in the world in such a profound way.
(19:27)
Does that make sense? Oh, yes. I'm going to throw some of these comments up. I didn't want to do it while you was talking because they had to wipe your face out there, but. Shelley says, she asked the question, why am I doing this?
(19:41)
And that is so important in order to make sure that you are aligned with the purpose and the things that fulfill you. You have mentioned that this activity, it's giving, not taking. And so glad to know that.
(19:57)
But it is important for us to start surrounding ourselves with that type of activity. It dr. Michelle said, if it fuels your passion, then it's sustainable. Right? And it is what fueling is. Here it goes.
(20:12)
As a mom, what advice do you have for helping our teens who have such busy schedules? And yes, they do. I worry about over scheduling kids and creating habits that impact mental health. I love that question, Shelley.
(20:26)
And ironically enough, I'm going to say you kind of answered your own question in the comment that you gave us before, right? Ask them why they're wanting to engage in that thing, in that activity. What makes that meaningful to them, right?
(20:41)
Because what we want to do, especially. With our teens, but with our kids of all ages, is we don't want. Them to become. Obedient. And I know that can sound controversial, right? But I truly believe and have seen that the time of do as I say, not as I do is done.
(21:00)
It is done. We're not raging generation of kids like that anymore. There's way too much access to information at the tip of their fingertips for them to know all these different things, right? So instead, we want to help them build that muscle of discernment.
(21:12)
We want to help them build that muscle of self trust. We want to help them build that muscle of solution focus when they have a problem of how can I pause. And get intentional about this and really. Ask myself, why am I wanting to engage in this activity?
(21:31)
Is it something I'm doing? Because I think I should. Because I don't want my mom to get upset with me because I think there's going to be some kind of social rejection. Because it's just interesting to me why statistics show us that this group of teens, these generations of teens are one of the highest levels of stress in all of the age brackets.
(21:51)
They got really high stress. And statistics go on to say current statistics that college students, those who are high achieving, are their mental health challenges are skyrocketing, skyrocketing because of the stress that comes with pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing.
(22:10)
So I completely agree with your question. I think it's a really important question for us to pose and for us to sit and ask ourselves, so what are we as parents presenting to them? Well, you should do all of these things because it's going to look good on your resume.
(22:23)
And if it looks good on your resume, then it'll look good here, and then you'll be able to in the in future. Dude, is that is that is it a ton of pressure that we are filtering through ourselves and putting on to them?
(22:34)
If so, okay, no shame blame. No shame blame there. It's not helpful. But now we know. Now we're aware, okay, we've got some pressure that we're filtering out onto them. What really is going on with inside of me?
(22:47)
How could I say, why do I want them to engage in these different things? Where is that coming from for me? So I can now be more intentional about these conversations I have with them. And I do think it needs to be a series of conversations, an open door to be able to come back to it and come back to it.
(23:03)
It's not going to be a one and done. It's going to be a series of conversations where something's come up and now it's time to talk about it again. Or I think something's coming up. It's an anticipated concern, but I know I can go to mom.
(23:16)
I know I can go to dad. I know I can go to so and so, and we could talk this through, and they're not going to point the finger or tell me I should do this or I shouldn't do that, but instead say, well.
(23:28)
Let's talk through this. Let me help you build that muscle of discernment so that you have that skill when you go out as an adult, so you can practice that and make decisions from a clearer, more faith based, more confidence base, more values based space, right?
(23:48)
Yeah. And I love that as we segue into this mental piece, because we've been covering leaders, we've been covering even personal as adults. And if you missed that, you're going to have to go back 24 minutes and get that.
(24:05)
And as we segue into this mentorship, because it's very important. I'm an avid mentor. I know Shelley is and Doc Michelle is there most of all professionals, obviously, have had some type of mentorship dynamic in their professional life.
(24:21)
But I really love mentoring. When you're a parent, that mentoring is not as defined. Right. It's not like, now I'm fortunate, I'm blessed. I'll thank God right now for my son. My son came to me directly and said, dad, I want you to mentor me, and I got to stop right there before I start choking up.
(24:51)
But that's a huge blessing as a father. Right. We normally don't see that. That's not normal. I know I didn't do that. I've never seen any of my cousins go to their parent, and it was probably because they didn't see a person they wanted to be like.
Bold, Balance, and Healing with Dr. Toni Warner
(25:11)
And so that dynamic between father, mother, children, if you want true impact in the world, that's where you get it. Those kids that you got, that's where you actually prove to the world. That you have something to give because you gave it to them first and now that gift just keeps on rolling by.
(25:34)
So in the role of mentorship and as we talk in parents, because if you ask me, every child should be looking at their parent as their first mentor. That's what I think should happen. Does it? We know it doesn't.
(25:52)
But for those parents that are listening and would love the day that their child comes to them and says, you're the type of person I want to be like when I grow up, how do you get there? Because sometimes it's like years, right?
(26:10)
I got an 18 year, I got a 30 year, I got a five year. There's so many age brackets. And what I want parents to understand is that it's not too late. It's not too late because we could always choose the better.
(26:25)
So how do you get us prepped for getting there? Because I know it's a challenge for parents today. Well, I see things systemically. Right, Enrique? So we are individuals. Yes, individuals. I am a mom and I am my children's mom.
(26:45)
As an individual, that is definitely who I am, part of who I am. But also, I am a daughter. And I came from a different generation of parents. And that generation of parents had different expectations of them.
(27:02)
They were raised in a where society was in a different way. And so, you know, a lot of generations prior to mine, there was this lack of vulnerability. Vulnerability was bad or weak. Men couldn't show their emotions.
Bold, Balance, and Healing with Dr. Toni Warner
(27:23)
Right. And so it came out as a lot of anger. Women had all these different pressures put on them to fill these different roles and not to be able to go in these other roles, right? So the stressors were different, which means the reason I say this is because I didn't look to my parents as a mentor, not because they did or didn't want me to, but because they had different set of skills and expectations placed on them as parents that I could feel I wanted to make my own.
(28:01)
Right? And so if all parents are mentors, but they're not able to see that a mentor doesn't tell the person, the child, or whomever you're mentoring. You don't tell them what to do or how to be. You welcome.
(28:17)
You invite conversation, you welcome. You invite questions and curiosity, you welcome. You invite innovation, expansion different than what you do. Right? If we can do that, then for sure, right? Like parents be the mentor for your child.
(28:37)
But if that feels like if that feels scary, to not be able to tell your kids how they should be, what they should do, especially as teens all of the time, then you're not really in a mentorship headspace.
Bold, Balance, and Healing with Dr. Toni Warner
(28:56)
You're in a boss headspace, you're in a controller headspace, you're in a telling what to do headspace, and there's a time and a place for that. Right? Obviously, if your kid is going to run in a street because they're a toddler, to get your kid out of street, you want to keep them safe.
(29:09)
Right. But we need to have this awareness. And generations before ours, it was seldom that this awareness was discussed, exposed to, practiced. They didn't have an awareness of the importance of awareness, if that makes sense.
(29:23)
And so. We naturally look to our parents as kids. We naturally look to our parents to gauge level of acceptance, what's appropriate, what's not appropriate. We naturally do that. But I don't think that it's bad or wrong if you haven't seen your parent as a mentor.
(29:43)
As long as we can practice a sense of forgiveness when whenever things are going differently or going Awry or our parents are upset with us or we're upset with our children. So I think there's a lot of complexity here.
(30:02)
There's a lot of complexity here. And if we just peel back the layers because of all the complexity, what I think it can boil down to, whether we're talking about leadership or mentorship, whether we're talking about parenting or otherwise, is that we need to know how we value showing up in this world, and then we hold ourselves accountable for showing up in that way.
(30:21)
Period. How do I value showing up in this world? And if I truly value showing up that way, then I'm going to hold myself to show up that way as best I can knowing I'm going to mess up. So I got to practice forgiveness and compassion, hold myself, and show up as best I can in that way.
(30:43)
As a mom, as a dad, as a boss, as a business owner, as a professional, as a woman, as a man, in whatever role I am filling, I'm going to try my best to show up that way. And when we do that, we take the pressure off of other people needing to listen to us or us needing to control all the things.
(31:11)
We take the pressure off because we're holding ourselves accountable for how we truly value showing up in this world. When we do that, people feel it. Our kids feel it. They see it. And I think that's the most powerful mentor of all.
(31:31)
When you can be felt, you can be seen and have an impact for being who you are, because you're being who you are so intentionally. And will that come sometimes with challenges. I know I see someone said as far as being a leader, bold and a woman, when I behave assertively, I've stopped from consequences that men don't typically experience.
(31:52)
What are your thoughts on this? That means that you are revolutionizing things. So if you know that you value being bold, authentically bold, in the midst of systems that are broken or in need of upgrading, then the question isn't how do I make other people not treat me in this way?
(32:20)
The question is how am I going to show up even more connected, even more committed to my value of showing up in the midst of this chaos, in the midst of this turmoil. How am I going to do that? And when you do that, when you make that the question and you let that be your anger and your guide, they will feel it.
(32:47)
They will feel it. Absolutely. Yeah. I love that. And there's other comment. Yeah, I agree. Doctor Toni. Different relationship. And it is and it goes back to your point, how are you showing up? And you have to own that.
(33:07)
A friend of mine earlier conversation before the live show, Alex Ramos, he says in any particular thing where you say I am a certain thing, is there enough evidence to convict you of it? And that's sobering.
(33:27)
If you say I am a mentor, is there any evidence that will convict you of being that particular thing? And if not, what is the evidence leading to that actually says what you are? And if you can't own what you want to show up like and actually in race that yourself, no one will see it ever.
(33:54)
Right? So there's other comments. And this is Tracy, by the way. Tracy Burks. It just happens that Tracy on StreamYard. If you don't assign, how do you call it, your parameters on LinkedIn to show that you are active and then it'll show as LinkedIn user.
(34:18)
But thank you Tracy, for your question and you being here now. Mentorship is obviously something that we, even as adults we want in the workforce. It's always good to have somebody to bounce things around.
(34:35)
We kind of have a hard time trying to get a mentor because we kind of confuse it sometimes for sponsors or coaches or whatever. And mentors, like you mentioned earlier, we're not going to tell you what to do.
(34:52)
We're going to give you different scenarios that you can consider in your decision making. Maybe things that worked for us, definitely things that didn't work for us. We try to throw those things out but really are a huge piece and factor of our development.
(35:11)
I wonder how many in the audience have active mentors now. I'll tell you, I have five that I rely on. And although we don't speak on a daily basis, I know that those individuals are there for my best interest.
(35:33)
And they have shown that my best interest is what they are actively looking. Let me see. Oh, thank you. I will try to. Okay, no problem. And Shelley says she has four. All right. It's beautiful. What should we look for in terms of numbers?
(35:57)
I know numbers is really not a thing, because you can have one great mentor, and that's it. And you're good. But what do you see most effective when you talk about mentorship? Because differences in perspective.
(36:13)
And that's where I focus on when I selected my five, the difference in perspectives and experience that they were. Because I like to have a mentor that's below where I was. And I always say that because I don't want to ever forget where I came from.
(36:38)
And they remind me all the time, hey, where are you going? And then somebody where I am so I can talk about things that are current. Somebody that's ahead. And then I have assigned someone that's at my dream spot where I aspire to one day under the palm trees of Hawaii, but would suggest with it.
(37:05)
I think it's beautiful how you just put that. You have these different ones for different reasons. So my. Understand the way I view a mentor is that they can have different roles. It could be a coach, it could be a therapist, it could be someone that does use the term mentor.
(37:22)
It could look different ways. And so I do think it depends on where you're at in your healing journey. That's the therapist in me, right? And even as a business owner, entrepreneur, your healing journey still matters because it's going to be ripple effecting out into your interactions with the systems and people around you.
(37:40)
So your healing journey is relevant no matter what, in my opinion and experience. So earlier on in my journey, when I was earlier on in my career, I was very emotionally guarded, very strong, leader, good at what I did, always got things done, very reliable.
(38:00)
But I didn't let people in because I needed to be super independent. It was not safe for me to let people in. The kind of mentor I needed at that time was one that was nurturing, was one that was willing to be there for me in a very, almost like motherly way, comforting way, so that I could soften, so I could soften and feel safe in that softening.
(38:29)
And then as I moved through my healing journey, my career continued. And so my career also shifted. And then I really wanted someone that was going to challenge me because I was a fast learner. And so I needed someone that was going to challenge me if I looked to other people for mentorship.
(38:48)
And I just never felt challenged. I'm like, this isn't helpful for me, I need a challenge. And so I wound up working with someone that we had very different viewpoints on a lot of things, but at the core, she could see my vision, my mission, my power, my skills.
(39:07)
She understood the purpose that I felt. Connected to. And so she challenged me because we were very different, even though we had that core connection. And so I needed that challenge. But then moving on along, my healing journey and my professional journey, where I'm at right now, is I desire to connect with mentors that I resonate with in an inspirational way.
(39:33)
So when I hear them, when I see them, when I think about them, I feel inspired, lights me up. Yes. They're so on fire with their purpose. They're so on fire with their passion. That's exactly where I'm at and where I want to continue to go.
(39:49)
That is the kind of mentor that I'm looking for. And I'll tell you, for me, there is some challenge with finding a mentor that fits that right now with what I can feel. And so what I've been doing is I listen to folks that fill that desire that I'm looking for, that actually they're no longer alive anymore.
(40:14)
Just this morning, I was listening to Maya Angelo, and I listen to her often. I listen to MLK's speeches and sermons very often. And they are mentors and leaders. Even though they're not physically here right now, their legacy, their message, their mission continues on.
(40:35)
And as I listen to them, I feel connected to their words. And if you listen to them too, if you're ignited by them at all, it's still relevant today. So even if you can't physically find a mentor, there are ways around that can't find the mentor that you're needing or wanting or looking for right now.
(40:52)
There are ways around that. And this is one of the ways that I have found to be really helpful. And then, of course, the mentor that's always there is is God. And the the coming home within myself and sitting in that mindfulness or sitting in that.
(41:09)
Meditative state or sitting and writing really connected to that energy, that life giving energy that pulses through my body and our nature. Like that mentor I can always come back to. I love that when you talk about mentors, the physical ones here that are still around.
(41:34)
The legacy is what we aim for. And I love that you've brought in folks that are not with us physically anymore because their words were recorded. Now imagine all the people that had great things to say and didn't have a mechanism to record what they said.
(41:57)
All those lost voices and opinions and suggestions. And I believe this is Hakobo because he needs to fix his settings too. But he said, I need fatherhood mentorship, that's for sure. There are so many people and so many things in our lives that we do need healing from and those people kind of address those things as we go.
(42:27)
So I hope that the mentorship section of this conversation has really helped everyone. I think Shelley said that she has something similar and is now doing the paying it forward. And it's always good to have be a receiver.
(42:46)
It's always better to give, I'll tell you that. I get a whole lot of joy and satisfaction in providing that for someone else and it is part of the legacy thing. And I'm so happy that we were able to record those individuals like MLK because they do still inspire.
(43:06)
Those words were fire then, they're fire now. And I saw it. What was it? Oh, my goodness. I don't want to say the wrong state, but this whole fiasco about Ousting representatives in Tennessee, I believe it was, right?
(43:25)
And Ousting people because what a difference, right? A difference. Somebody stood up for something. And when they started speaking, I thought I saw MLK all over again. And I was like, Whoa, that's him.
(43:41)
Living the way they composed their words, I was like, wow, they got inspiration from somewhere. And that's what mentors do. They get you to the point where they've just seated in you. Inspiration to get you through the long haul.
(43:57)
And I'm very appreciative of all my mentors. You know, who, you are so bold and balanced. And I think Tracy was talking about being bold and out there. Bold and balanced. It takes an art. It takes an art.
(44:17)
You have to be a master craftsman when you want to put these two things together, because there's a lot of imbalance in the world as it is. And to be something like Tracy was saying, hey, I'll tell you.
(44:35)
And sometimes that authority and that unction in us can be received in a different way that is not meant. And it does vary from sexes, right? It does. This world is comprised in a system. And sometimes when you buck against that system, you stand out like a red thumb, right?
(44:58)
Or red flag. How did you get this? Bold and balanced enough for you to present it. So I'm black and white. My mom is white, my dad is black. They're both pastors, and they're divorced pastors at that.
(45:20)
So my mom entered seminary at a time when women were not really welcome to be pastors. And my dad was always a black pastor of a white church. And then they were divorced, and they got married again, then they were divorced.
(45:33)
And so there was perceptions about that. And then I moved a lot because my parents are both pastors and they had their own churches and then their denomination. You don't stay at the same church. So I was often the new girl.
(45:46)
So I was the new girl. I was the only mixed girl at the time. If there were others, I didn't see them, I didn't know them. I was also overweight for most of my childhood, and I was a tomboy. So I grew up feeling like I fit in nowhere.
(46:08)
Like I fit in nowhere. And I really, really wanted to be wanted, but I didn't feel wanted. And so I looked around and tried to figure out, how can I connect? Because I want to connect, right? As a social species, we want to connect.
(46:29)
And what I found was that if I over gave, if I over delivered, if I overworked myself, if I overdid things, then I felt wanted for a little bit. I felt needed for a little bit. I felt accepted for a little bit, right?
(46:42)
And so I, from a very young age, didn't feel like I could boldly be myself in this world, because when I did, I would feel called to do it, and I would try to do it. And when I did, I felt like I would get shot down.
(47:01)
I felt like I wasn't. I felt like I didn't belong, like there wasn't a place for me. And that led to a lot of hurt, right? It led to a lot of mental health challenges for myself. I started with anxiety, depression, bulimia, a whole ton of things at a young age.
(47:21)
But as I grew older and I started healing some of those hurts, some of those wounds, that chronic relational trauma started healing it and healing and healing it. What I realized was that me not fitting in any of the prescribed boxes was actually my gift.
(47:41)
It was my gift. And if I could boldly step into that, if I could boldly step into that, know who I am, own who I am, claim who I am, be proud of who I am, and boldly lead in that, then I would feel more of that purpose, more of that fulfillment, more of that confidence and connection.
(48:09)
I would automatically be accepted because I would be accepting myself. And when you are boldly living from that place, balance ensues. But balance isn't a juggling act like people have so often considered it.
(48:24)
That's not what true balance is. Think about nature, how there's an ebb and a flow to it, how there's seasons, how there's time for things to be birthed and there's a birthing time frame that goes up to that.
(48:34)
And then there's time for it to grow, and then there's time for things to die off, and there's time for new things to blossom, right? There's an ebb and a flow. That's balance. There's an ebb and a flow.
(48:43)
So as I boldly embodied and accepted who I truly was and was meant to be in this world, differences, all my differences, and saw that as a gift, then I was able to feel more balanced in my life and go with the ebbs and the flow that are natural.
(49:01)
Natural for us to experience in life so that we continue to evolve and adapt. Evolve and adapt and grow and expand and be able to connect and contribute more and more and more. And that's so powerful.
(49:17)
I want to take this moment Toni Taylor, I'm a sita Dr. Cedar in the house. Thank you for joining us today. Appreciate you. Now, what you just mentioned, Toni, is so powerful. But it takes that moment of stillness.
(49:40)
And we were talking about how active this world can be and how noisy this world can be. And when you get to that point where you have to decide to accept yourself above all else, it's beautiful. I'm telling you, not everybody gets that.
(50:07)
Not everybody gets to live out their purpose. Not everybody. Now, is the opportunity there for everybody? I believe so. But not everybody does. It often reminds me of this faucet commercial I used to see.
(50:22)
It used to be as ladies on the other side. It was like an Italian setting. And the lady's laying on the bed and she's her last breath and she looks across the window and the lady on the other side of the building has this faucet and she's like and she dies off.
(50:39)
All she wanted was that it in life, right? It was a commercial over a thing. But a lot of people die that way. They die unfulfilled. They die without meeting their goals in life. They die without having that one thing that they desired above all else.
(51:01)
And that's why there are some that say there's tombstones that say, here lies my hopes and dreams. And we don't want that for anybody, especially those that are listening. Those that are listening now on the live, those that are listening in the future, those that are participating with us as guests here and listeners, that's not what we want.
(51:28)
We want you to get to the point where you can own you and say, man, I was marvelously made. Marvelously made. None like me ever will ever exist. I am a masterpiece. And it's not a boastful thing. God took enough time and effort to join two people and come up with this how?
(52:06)
When you get to those foundational levels of awareness of you and what it took to get you and start to appreciate you and all that you bring, it's like straight power. Watch out, world. Right? That's the bold.
(52:26)
That's the bold supported by the balance of nature of the universe, right, of that life force energy. Absolutely. It is so powerful and it requires the healing that takes us full circle back to the beginning of the conversation station.
(52:41)
Right. Because accepting ourselves, loving ourselves, owning ourselves means also looking at the challenges and being willing to see them as opportunities for us to learn and grow within ourselves. Not beating ourselves up.
(52:57)
It's not helpful to beat yourself up or overly critique yourself and just make yourself feel bad because now you're not in that worthiness power, right? But when you look at the challenges, when you look at your mistakes, when you look at the things that maybe you feel like, I wish I would have done that differently, that you have this compassion and grace for yourself, that's the energy of love.
(53:17)
And the energy of love is God, right? So that's when you're really aligned with that energy and it's really flowing, you're connected with that. That's a bold and balanced place. These are all connected.
(53:28)
Leadership, mentorship, bold and balanced healing, all connected to me. You can't separate these. They're all connected. And when we can pull it together. Pull all these together and understand that at our core, if we can get clear on who we really value being in this world and willing to show up in alignment with that as often as possible, allow those that come into our lives to support us in a meaningful way and for us to be willing to support others in a meaningful way as well.
(53:57)
When we keep doing that, we have a ripple effect beyond any words. That is a fulfilling, successful, satisfying life experience. So powerful. So powerful I could just envision a person out. When you talk about the environments we set, right, it's all a result of what you bring in.
(54:36)
Thanks I have in the military, and Toni knows this. Andrew is on there, too. Thank you, brother, for being on there. As we are streaming live on parade deck, I would come into an auditorium and. Immediately, people would die down.
(54:58)
Like, voices would just kind of like because they understood that when I would come in the room, I was about to say something, and I didn't have to say, hey, quiet down. Nothing. I would come in and it would automatically just go in place, said, Now, I have seen other leaders come in, and then their first sergeants at the time would have to yell to everybody, hey, quiet down.
(55:30)
And I could immediately identify that they did not bring the energy, they did not do it. They didn't bring that environment of peace into what would seemingly be chaos. And you mentioned earlier, we have to know who we are.
(55:56)
We have to understand the dynamics of who we are in order for this healing to start working in us. Right. And we do have a certain amount of power that is around us all the time. I call it Holy Ghost.
(56:15)
That's what I say, right? And I'm sure Shelley going to be out there dancing, but that's who I bring. I come deep. I don't come by myself. Don't expect me just to show up. I'm covered deep, but it is one of those things that it begins to take shape around me.
(56:39)
My world is revolved around my Lord, and he is the center. He's the center. And that's just it. And I don't expect anything other than peace. Be still when I go places. True, right? But we talked about leadership, folks.
(56:59)
We talked about leadership, mentorship, being bold and balanced. Dr. Toni and this could go on forever, I'll tell you. And it's probably part two here in the works if we can mask that up and make that appointment, and I'm sure that we can.
(57:17)
There's a lot of people that have been I think this is probably the most attended live. I've had no joke. No joke. So there's a lot of people listening. There's a lot of people that are going to see this on replay.
(57:32)
How can they get a hold of you if they want to talk to you more about any one of these, especially the mentorship and being bold and balanced? Well, I first would want to say, if you're like, I'm just in the energy of this and I really want to continue with this so much.
(57:49)
Right. The reset is available on Amazon and you can grab it and it actually is a personalized guidebook for you so you can work through the prompts to make it apply to you and your situation. It is not meant for you to just sit idly by and try to apply some cookie cutter stuff.
(58:05)
Now this is about you really moving inward to yourself so that you can move outward in a really meaningful way in this world. Right? And so the reset is going to help you do that. Totally check that out.
(58:16)
If you want to connect with me, you can connect with me. Just send me an email. Dr. [email protected] and the new website. I do have a website Boldenbalancecoaching.com, which you can check out now, but we actually are rebranding and putting out a new website next month in May of 2023 drtoniewarner.com so you can have over there next month in May and you can check out ways to connect free resources.
(58:41)
YouTube channel, bold and balanced with Toni Lynn, PhD. I'm on there regularly, so if you want to stay connected now, you could head over to the YouTube channel. Can ask questions there, you can engage and you can tune into all the resources and valuable insights that are over there.
(58:58)
Well, I tell you, shelley's on it. She put that link in there. So go to the link in the comments. Thank you, Shelley, for showing us up here. And look, I'm sure this is going to be a part two. There's so much to dive into when you talked about the dynamics of leadership, mentorship, being bold and balanced and so many other things.
(59:19)
But Dr. Toni, thank you so much for being with me on Aloha Friday live. Folks, there are so many comments in there. I'll ask that you go back in there afterwards and make sure that but folks, thank you for being with us today.
(59:35)
I'm no joke, this is probably the most attended live we've had. Thank you for supporting us. And if you want to continue to support us, we are actively on the hunt for 500 on our YouTube channel. There are some things that come with that you are automatically gifted or actually put into be gifted for one subscriber out of the bunch for a signed autograph author copy of a leadership book.
(01:00:05)
I have a ton of them and I need to give away. So that's happening. So if you want to help the effort, go to our YouTube channel, Developing the Leader Within, or at Dtlw podcast on YouTube and help us by subscribing there.
(01:00:22)
But today has been all about Dr. Toni One. Thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for getting to the point where you can start healing and helping others heal. Folks, thank you so much for all that you do when it comes to our show.
(01:00:40)
Next week we'll have another guest on Aloha Friday live. I'll put the jingle because everybody loves the jingle. Ha. But it has been our pleasure to have you today meet us next week. So next week Friday, 1130 Eastern for our next guest, aloha Friday, everybody.
(53:57)
When we keep doing that, we have a ripple effect beyond any words. That is a fulfilling, successful, satisfying life experience. So powerful. So powerful I could just envision a person out. When you talk about the environments we set, right, it's all a result of what you bring in.
(54:36)
Thanks I have in the military, and Toni knows this. Andrew is on there, too. Thank you, brother, for being on there. As we are streaming live on parade deck, I would come into an auditorium and. Immediately, people would die down.
(54:58)
Like, voices would just kind of like because they understood that when I would come in the room, I was about to say something, and I didn't have to say, hey, quiet down. Nothing. I would come in and it would automatically just go in place, said, Now, I have seen other leaders come in, and then their first sergeants at the time would have to yell to everybody, hey, quiet down.
(55:30)
And I could immediately identify that they did not bring the energy, they did not do it. They didn't bring that environment of peace into what would seemingly be chaos. And you mentioned earlier, we have to know who we are.
(55:56)
We have to understand the dynamics of who we are in order for this healing to start working in us. Right. And we do have a certain amount of power that is around us all the time. I call it Holy Ghost.
(56:15)
That's what I say, right? And I'm sure Shelley going to be out there dancing, but that's who I bring. I come deep. I don't come by myself. Don't expect me just to show up. I'm covered deep, but it is one of those things that it begins to take shape around me.
(56:39)
My world is revolved around my Lord, and he is the center. He's the center. And that's just it. And I don't expect anything other than peace. Be still when I go places. True, right? But we talked about leadership, folks.
(56:59)
We talked about leadership, mentorship, being bold and balanced. Dr. Toni and this could go on forever, I'll tell you. And it's probably part two here in the works if we can mask that up and make that appointment, and I'm sure that we can.
(57:17)
There's a lot of people that have been I think this is probably the most attended live. I've had no joke. No joke. So there's a lot of people listening. There's a lot of people that are going to see this on replay.
(57:32)
How can they get a hold of you if they want to talk to you more about any one of these, especially the mentorship and being bold and balanced? Well, I first would want to say, if you're like, I'm just in the energy of this and I really want to continue with this so much.
(57:49)
Right. The reset is available on Amazon and you can grab it and it actually is a personalized guidebook for you so you can work through the prompts to make it apply to you and your situation. It is not meant for you to just sit idly by and try to apply some cookie cutter stuff.
(58:05)
Now this is about you really moving inward to yourself so that you can move outward in a really meaningful way in this world. Right? And so the reset is going to help you do that. Totally check that out.
(58:16)
If you want to connect with me, you can connect with me. Just send me an email. Dr. [email protected] and the new website. I do have a website Boldenbalancecoaching.com, which you can check out now, but we actually are rebranding and putting out a new website next month in May of 2023 drtoniewarner.com so you can have over there next month in May and you can check out ways to connect free resources.
(58:41)
YouTube channel, bold and balanced with Toni Lynn, PhD. I'm on there regularly, so if you want to stay connected now, you could head over to the YouTube channel. Can ask questions there, you can engage and you can tune into all the resources and valuable insights that are over there.
(58:58)
Well, I tell you, shelley's on it. She put that link in there. So go to the link in the comments. Thank you, Shelley, for showing us up here. And look, I'm sure this is going to be a part two. There's so much to dive into when you talked about the dynamics of leadership, mentorship, being bold and balanced and so many other things.
(59:19)
But Dr. Toni Taylor, thank you so much for being with me on Aloha Friday live. Folks, there are so many comments in there. I'll ask that you go back in there afterwards and make sure that but folks, thank you for being with us today.
(59:35)
I'm no joke, this is probably the most attended live we've had. Thank you for supporting us. And if you want to continue to support us, we are actively on the hunt for 500 on our YouTube channel. There are some things that come with that you are automatically gifted or actually put into be gifted for one subscriber out of the bunch for a signed autograph author copy of a leadership book.
(01:00:05)
I have a ton of them and I need to give away. So that's happening. So if you want to help the effort, go to our YouTube channel, Developing the Leader Within, or at Dtlw podcast on YouTube and help us by subscribing there.
(01:00:22)
But today has been all about Dr. Toni One. Thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for getting to the point where you can start healing and helping others heal. Folks, thank you so much for all that you do when it comes to our show.
(01:00:40)
Next week we'll have another guest on Aloha Friday live. I'll put the jingle because everybody loves the jingle. Ha. But it has been our pleasure to have you today. Meet us next week Friday, 1130 Eastern for our next guest, aloha Friday everybody!
